


(Not so) comfortable silence

by 2xcross



Series: it could be easier [2]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Bittersweet, Character Study, Emotional, Implied Sexual Content, Lack of Communication, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 05:44:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20335036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2xcross/pseuds/2xcross
Summary: Long time ago, Demoman heard that phrase that says 'To Love Someone, You Really Need to Love Yourself First'. He never forgot it. He also thought that it was bullshite, because it would mean he would be alone forever—although, that was exactly what he was expecting, until Soldier crossed in his life...





	(Not so) comfortable silence

**Author's Note:**

> "NVM I POSTED IT (too soon) BY ACCIDENT"  
"FUCK YOU AO3"
> 
> *my fault. again.

Long time ago, Demoman heard that phrase that says _To Love Someone, You Really Need to Love Yourself First_. He never forgot it. He also thought that it was _bullshite_, because it would mean he would be alone forever—although, that was exactly what he was expecting, until Soldier crossed in his life.

Tavish also knew that he’d be lying himself if he didn’t acknowledge that it wasn’t easy getting to where they were now. It was a long way.

They were in the kitchen, lights fading due to the sunset. Both were sitting in silence in front of each other at the small kitchen table, completely alone. Their legs were intertwined, and Soldier’s right hand was on top of Demo’s own right. 

Demo sighed low. He enjoyed being able to sit idle with Soldier, yet with silent it was easy to get sappy thoughts, sappy as he desired to not be. 

Talking about quietness, years ago would have been unthinkable to imagine Soldier being this calm, always doing something, no time for laziness. It took months and years of trust, that could’ve been shorter if they had been more straightforward with each other since the beginning. Their friendship _did_ blossom with little to no effort, it was when one thing led to another that things got more difficult. Something like vaguely talk about banging and then wanking off in the presence of each other, as friends, nothing more than that. Of course it was uncomfortable after that, even if they tried to ignore what happened.

_What the fuck were they thinking?_

“What’s so funny Tav?”

Demo gazed with a wide open eye and a crooked nervous smile. 

“Uh, nothin’ luv. Just thinkin’.”

Soldier groaned. He didn’t insist again.

Back to his thoughts. That wasn’t of course the only occurrence between each other, before things got more serious. After that they did _feel_ each other (as friends); cuddled after getting drunk (as friends); cuddled for the sake of doing it (as friends). He treasured every single one of those moments like it was his last chance, hung onto any affection that he could get.

Nevertheless, after these incidents happened, Demo avoided Soldier for a bit without thinking. He didn’t realize what he was doing at the time, he was just... afraid. Unlike Soldier, he had further romantic experiences, if he can call them like that. Nothing that lasted in any case. _Why?_ Perhaps it was because these people from his past didn’t really appreciate him as he thought they did. Perhaps, it was him (dear God, he knew he was even more difficult when younger). His volatile temper as his bombs. His pride. Did he ever got too clingy? _The drinking_. Who knows if was a little of everything. If the breakdowns with women were appalling, with men were even more upsetting, though not surprising. When you work with explosives, and you do dirty jobs, the most men you get to know are more, less or as awful as yourself. Wicked men surround themselves with people like them.

Afflicted, at some point he gave up. Why he would try again? Why pass through anything like that anymore? He didn’t have the time either, working almost all his time. He recklessly abandoned himself to drinking.

When things got weird with Soldier, it was like everything was happening again. Of all the mercenaries of the team, Soldier was the one who he thought the less could be like _that_. It had to be just mere curiosity, Demoman concluded. Friendships between men, especially men like Soldier, are rough. Any occasion of touch has to be masculine enough. No petting, only clumsy hard patting in the backs; no tender comforting hugs, only squeezing the other as hard as could be; no kisses under any circumstances, that’s was girls do, not men. Anything like that would only bring aching shame to oneself, and Demo needed to be careful with every move. Despite that, _experimenting_ between men was an open secret. Soldier couldn't be wanting anything more than _that_.

He thought that until one day Soldier grabbed Demoman by his collar and slammed him against a wall for questions.

_“Why are you like this?”_ he inquired, _“why do you get like that?”_

_“Like what?”_ Demo asked back, startled, panicking in the back of his mind. What was Soldier going to accuse him for?

Soldier calmed down. He broke the gaze seemingly ashamed.

_"You are, you know”—affectionable—“and then, you aren’t anymore. You get, elusive..."_

Soon after that long agony, they finally kissed. Good part of Demo’s worries were over with it. Even if the start was a wee aggressive, that was the moment when everything changed. Demo eye still got watery recalling that moment. How stupid he was, too worried about himself, too self-centered to notice Soldier. On the other hand, it would’ve been wonderfully useful if Soldier admitted way before that he did have few to no previous experiences, just more scattered and nebulous than Demo’s encounters: not any exes.

It took a while for Soldier to get used to it, it was over his life expectations having something like that. As Demo could breathe with more ease and finally stop being so concerned, Soldier needed time to let go himself and let Demoman spoil him as he deserved. 

Well, it wasn’t that easy.

Besides Soldier needing time, Demoman’s worries weren’t gone. Part of his mind was still frightened as before. He couldn't help but think that he was dragging Soldier along with him. No matter how many times he queried Soldier about being sure of what they were doing, he answered that he was. Demo insisted so much that once Soldier asked him _if he was the one who was unsure._

He was sure that he was fucking unsure, he also couldn’t give a proper answer. Anyone was better than him he thought, Soldier shouldn’t be with him. He also didn’t want Soldier to leave him (ever), and wished being less clingy.

Demo was sure of being a disaster.

And Soldier stayed no matter what.

He stayed through the drunk meltdowns, but was more impressive, was that he lingered during more scarier _sober_ meltdowns. Any other person would’ve dumped him at that point, as others before Soldier. Who hadn’t, after seeing a full grown adult sobbing for no apparent reason? If Demo recalled correctly, the first time Soldier witnessed that kind of meltdown, he was crying over the fact that Soldier was too foolishly loyal to leave him.

After that storm the calm came. Soldier wasn’t just going to leave one day.

But still...

Until that very day Demoman still wondered if he had somehow tricked Soldier to be with him. In good days he could settle that those were just dumb thoughts, in days like today, he’d just keep thinking... If Soldier asked him what he was ruminating so much, Demo would brush-off his concerns responding than in nothing important.

_Huh_. The truth was that Soldier was getting more quiet. Asking about it would be the next obvious thing to do, but Demoman was too scared for that. 

“Is getting dark,” Soldier pulled him out of his thoughts. He tightened slightly Demo’s hand before going to turn on the lights.

Demoman only stared.

Soldier went back to his exact previous position, holding his hand and intertwining their legs again.

“So, are you going to tell me what are you thinking so much.” 

Soldier was totally getting bored.

“I love you so much.”

That was the damned truth, however Demoman was avoiding to answer Soldier’s question.

Soldier leaned back in his chair.

“I love you too... I’ve been thinking lately too. I just... I just wish I could talk to you like you do with me.”

“Ye want a scottish accent?”

“No,” Soldier responded as he playfully slapped Demo’s hand. “I mean that I wish I could tell you pretty words as you do with me.”

Soldier shrugged, looking at anything except Demoman, who took his other hand over the table to clutch with both Soldier’s right, caressing it with his both thumbs.

“That was troublin’ ye?” Demo felt bad about being relieved that it wasn’t something worse. His lover was someone who didn’t have a filter in his speech—the contrary. Soldier said whatever was in his mind, being too used to his sergeant way of talking, any compliment was mixed with some kind of insult. Demo was already used to them nowadays, didn’t take them personally, appreciating the intention. He really did.

“Look boyo, even if ye aren’t a poetess of centuries ago, I ken well what ye mean. Listen well. Ye _still_ tell me all these things, when yer _always_ there for me, always wantin’ to do stuff for me. Yer the most helpful person I’ve ever known.” 

Demo bowed his head. His voice lowered as his heart sank in his chest.

“Yer there when I need a hug, and when I need someone to hold me. Ye learned all these things for my needy arse. Jane, what I appreciate the most is that ye stay when I’m at my lowest. Nobody else does that...”

He licked his lips, trying to keep collected. He clutched Soldier’s hand.

“But, I used to yell at you.”

_“Stop moping around!”_ Sure he did, when they were still getting to know each other, Demo foggily remembered. Soldier screamed at Demo when he was too occupied self-loathing drunk. It never worked. If there’s something that made them closer was Soldier dropping the yelling strategy with him—at least outside battle.

“Soldier, I’ve already forgiven ye...”

“You forgive too easy,” Soldier rebuked crossing arms, taking away from Demo his hand.

(Maybe he was right.)

Soldier resumed again. “If what I do or say was really enough, you would be less sad. I wish I could _convince_ you...”

Demoman’s heart sank again. 

“You seem to hate yourself...” 

_Seem?_

“...I don’t like that.” Soldier pointed at Demo. “Not at all.”

Soldier pursed his lips briefly, before pressing them in a line.

Demo was sure he hated himself. Sure he was more than proud of his bomb expertise, not only making them but using them in battle. The team struggled when he was not controlling the battlefield. He put bombs where he could look, and where he couldn't too. Aside from that, Demo had hate himself most (if not all) of his life full of tragedies. Difficult not to to with a story like his, starting from killing his own adoptive parents, getting abandoned again as consequence for a while. Or feeling unable to meet his biological parents expectations. Everyone were aware of his insecurities, including often enemies before they died, starting from his lack of one eye. All of that without counting his alcoholism, plus how lonely and alienated he felt even after knowing Soldier. He had not yet found a way to find peace with himself, nothing that had worked yet. 

He had never really told to Soldier directly how much he hated himself. It wasn’t as simple as just sadness—though he knew Soldier didn’t mean anything bad...

He also couldn’t keep throwing Jane under the bus because of his problems, he thought. But what could he do...?

If he could define Soldier in one word, it’d be _devotion_.

“Soldier my luv, would ye like if I fried some steaks for ye?”

Soldier looked puzzled, fooled once again. Demo lowkey felt bad for that, but was glad his distraction strategy worked. His man needed to feel loved too.

“...for dinner?”

“Nae, for now. For us two.”

Jane face glowered. “Yes, I’d like that.”

Tavish stood up, to do as he promised. 

He might never love himself completely, and that was fine. Feeling better would be nice of course, achieving the long yearned stability. For now, Soldier was there to love him, making sure that he was indeed someone lovable.

Perhaps he could talk about his demons other day. Right now, his lover was infinitely more important.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks again to the beta reader (and editor)


End file.
